I never had a positive take on vulnerability, until lately. In fact, it still scares me but appeals nevertheless. Vulnerability is as good as inviting judgment or the tendency thereof. It’s exposure that may elicit either admiration or the ire of people you care and not care about. The world is no non-judging breakfast club after all. When you open yourself up, you let them see the beautiful and the ugly, the sanity and the madness. And there’s always relativity, so you don’t expect the same feedback from everyone else. But why choose to be vulnerable and honest?
Not all judgment is sound – brutal fact. But not all of them are necessary – thank heavens! My personal space right here, though virtual, is an invitation to whoever takes a peek in my life – even when it’s not always spick and span – to share it with me.
So here’s the real score. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and lately I’ve been feeling exactly that. A tug of war has been playing inside me and I’ve been trying to draw the line, trying to find my safe spot, tugging my security blanket closer. But at the same time, I realize that it’s making me more fearful and causing me more distraction than I can afford. It generates paranoia and peters out faith. It doesn’t help in any way.
Then God reminded me of something. If there are moments when I actually revel in my vulnerability, it’s those alone times with Him. Those times when I can unload every burden, present my heart in whatever state it may be in, and just feel stripped of every piece of me, yet feel peace and calm and acceptance, are the most priceless ever. With Him, I desire to be most intimate to a point of losing myself and finding it again. Again and again and again, I feel like I would never tire of being pierced through, of being infiltrated. It’s purification in its highest form, shamelessness in its most humbling.
I can be most vulnerable before my Creator because I share a special relationship with Him. With people, He told me it’s almost the same. You have to allow yourself to be seen, to be shared if you want others to come in, if you want others to also shake off the reluctance around you, and ironically, if you want others to be less judgmental of you. But this is not always the case in every context. At some point and situation, it’s also wise to withhold some part of yourself before you decide to take the plunge. You just have to rely on something, someone greater to cover you when your defenses are down, and to protect you when your heart needs the shield.
So what’s real? That hey, I’m not always okay, but I always know that I will be. That there are times I flounder and fall. That I’m not always as strong as I appear to be – it’s just that in my weakest, the strongest in God takes over in me. That I have my share of woes and sorrows but that I believe His mercies are fresh every morning. That I make a lot of mistakes, but He disciplines ingenuously. That I struggle, but I overcome. That I can only be as good as the grace who died for me. That when I am in my most vulnerable, God works best in covering me. That I can be vulnerable to the pains of this life and not lose to it because when God was at His most vulnerable in the Cross of Calvary, He won over death to bring back my identity.
What can I say? It’s good to finally be unloading here, for this almost hypothetical world to serve its purpose. Who would’ve thought it’d come to this. :)
