You go for your zenith

 Why did I subject myself to this?
Why am I subjecting myself to this?
Why? Why? Why?

Lately, I kid myself with these questions.  Alam ko naman na itatanong ko din 'to eventually. I try to joke around with it so that after a crying session of frustration and letdown, I am able to compose myself again.  I barely get to chew on disappointment simply because time and keeping up with the rest of my world don’t afford me the opportunity.  Lately, I haven’t been really the type to dwell and mull over negativities. Why? Dyahe eh. I don’t like thinking about them. But I guess you never really escape that moment when the world seems to be all doom and gloom, as if it just turned its back on you (this is an exaggeration so don’t take me too seriously). I guess somehow you would eventually get to that point of almost losing it.  ALMOST, but not quite. But then if you’re the type who’s like me, you will end up TRYING to tough it out (God knows if you’re successful) and eventually deciding to woman (or man) up to it.  Giving up simply is and cannot be part of your vocabulary – unless the heavens turned on you and decided on your behalf.  There will come a point you will question your capacity, your ability, your intellect, your heart, and your destiny.  But after falling hard and true, to that deepest almost endless pit, you find out you cannot fall farther or dig deeper.  The only other option (aside from waiting passively for death) is to find your way up – no matter how forlorn the thought, no matter how agonizing the climb, no matter how heartrending the process.  You just have to find yourself again, find your purpose despite the world shouting, “HEY! JUST QUIT IT, YO. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! WHO ARE YOU FOOLING?”  You just have to dust yourself up, even with the tears and mud and burns and bruises.  Either that or you die.  Because what’s the point of living when you are not able to live your call? As one of my favorite professors (I won’t name him ‘coz I’m still under his class haha) put it, you have to reach the maximum utility.  In this case, one has to reach the maximum utility in life.  In economics, it’s maximizing efficiency; it sounds superfluous but that’s how it is.  Either you live to the maximum or you don’t live at all.  You don’t settle for just living; you go for LIVING!  You don’t settle for what you could easily do, you go for that which breaks you and contests you and pounds you to pieces and makes you come alive. You don't settle for just a piece of cake, you go to the vomit-inducing. You don't settle for the chickeeeeen, you go for the heartstopping. You go for that which spreads you too thinly, to the point that you almost founder.  You go for that which brings you to the edge, to the brink of kaput.  You go for that which brings out the best in you after life subjects you to the worst.  You go for your zenith.  You find it and subject yourself to its ordeal.  As Helen Keller avers,

"Life is either a daring adventure....” 

That adventure depends on you.  It could be adventure in the literal, or it could be something internal or abstract.  Whatever it is, go for it at full speed.  It’s not for the thrill of it – there is no thrill in distress.  It’s not for the masochist in you (well, perhaps for some they could attest) but it’s for the very purpose of YOUR living – that you were able to live the life you were supposed to live.  I believe we all have that life we are destined to live.  Some of us do live it but only to a certain extent.  Some of us don’t really reach zenith.  Sad part is some of us don’t ever get to live it.  But what’s the saddest – if not the worst -  is not ever realizing it.  They say that ignorance is bliss.  I give partial credit to that.  There is some truth to the suffering of knowing.  But when you suffer, it is only out of a metacognition of your status.  And that metacognition is the superlative of the outset.  It is the first step to reaching your zenith.  And what is life if not living it all out? What is our existence if not giving it up to live?

We don’t live to merely exist.  We give up our being to BE. We cease to exist so that we may acquire life.

We die to live.