I'm on a mission

After months of turning a blind eye to the reality that is my weight, I am finally admitting my guilt. I’ve probably snubbed it because I was enjoying myself too much carbo-loading and indulging my cravings.  No, I am not fat. I just gained.  Well, I was a happy gainer.  For once, I went home sans any parental sermon of how sickly I look.  I WAS happy until I found it quite a challenge fitting into my jeans – my jeans that normally and perfectly fit.  I thought my tees were shrinking and started blaming it on the fabric.  But they couldn’t all be shrinking at the same time, could they? And my arms looked twice their normal size in a picture.  My tummy began to form flaaaaabs. Noooooo.

That’s when it hit me. Growth, at this point, would be all horizontal for me.  I didn’t want to look like a cute little orb bouncing her way into the world (pun intended).  That was when I had to move on from the stage of denial and face this brutal fact of my life.  :)

But dieting was clearly out of the question.  I never really got into it – closest I did was pre-prom which was a total failure.  I ended up eating Jollibee burger yum after every school day instead.  Heck, I even chomped on pizza moments before putting on my prom dress.  That was how secure I was. Naks.

Actually, I do not know how to diet properly and I don’t think I need to. I was too secure with the fact that I never really ballooned in my entire life.  Sure I gain, but I also lose weight fast – as in furious fast. Give me a few days and I’d be back to normal. But apparently, a woman’s metabolism changes through the ages.  But, you’re too smart NOT to know that, Aiken! Well, sorry to disappoint.  I banked on this psychological backbone and convinced my brain I’d never really have a problem changing wardrobe sizes – at least not until I was thirty-something.  Well it proved effective – until now.

It started towards the last quarter of the year.  It was finals season and I was stocking up on all the edibles.  It' okay to do that, but it’s not okay when you’re eating and not moving.  The holidays came and my parents were glad to see me looking healthier than ever. Come January, a lot of people commented on my weight.  My, look at you! *Sabay squeeze sa arms* (Well thank you very much for rubbing that in.  Nagkasakit na ako sa lagay na ‘yan, ha.)

Normally, those punches would’ve set off an alarm. But fortunately for me, I was the girl who could not be moved. I refused to yield to the pressure! It was crazy. I was never an advocate of dieting, never a stickler for a nutritional regimen, and I never cut off on eating – ever! I love food! Those who often eat with me know this.  I love food and I find delight in eating good food. Now if you’re my crush, you’d probably find this odd. But of course darling, my tummy was probably filled with puke-inducing butterflies if I (ever) dined with you. Just so you know though, if I had my way, I wouldn’t even hold back.

So, I love food and this fondness was (and is) fueled with stress from law school.  I would crave for the unhealthiest stuff and satisfy this unhealthiness – este, cravings. I recall a week when all I ate were pasta and fries almost every day and cake almost every other day.  Blame the hormones and whatever gastrointestinal shiz there is that’s pushing me to gobble.

What adds salt to the wound is my lack of exercise or any significant physical activity for that matter.  The only “exercise” I do is walking from the dorm to the college and back.  That’s it.  Most of my time is spent sitting down or sprawling in my bed reading and writing, reading and writing. Welcome to law school.


So what brought about this sudden change of heart?

I still love food. I thank God I do.  And I don’t think I’d stop loving it soon.  But I hate it that I couldn’t wear the clothes I want and that would normally complement my frame just because I feel so discomfited.  The thought of having to spend unnecessarily just to change my wardrobe is a joke.  The fact that I’d run out of breath after just a few minutes of fast-paced walking is a jab at my ego.

Aaaah, yun pala yun eh. Egoooo. Pffft.

Well, not really but it was major epiphany for me right there. I was fit before. I had muscles. I jogged and swam without getting dizzy. I didn’t wheeze like some puny loser after a kilometer sprint.  I was fit, then. What happened to all the fitness? Apparently, it’s no eternal magical state. It takes effort to sustain.

And though sustenance is really not a major goal right now, at least I have mustered enough guilt to get my body back in shape.  Let’s get sexy – este, lean- back. Harhar.

So to jumpstart this endeavor, I started cutting on the big meals and started eating smaller meals more frequently.  And I hit the Orbit Track! With no warm-up! *major slap on forehead*

My roommate told me that 15 minutes of exercise would already leave me sweating mad. I brushed it off and thought it was too short a time for exercise.  I’d probably do 30. Major NAAAAAKS!

After what felt like a reasonable stretch working the machine, I checked the time: 2 minutes. 2 freakin’ minutes. Whuuuut.  The clock must be broken. Haha. But it wasn’t and I was just really out of it.  So I extended out of self-shame.

I probably lasted 10 minutes and had to stop because I was feeling lightheaded. So much for not taking my iron.  In a nutshell, if exercise was a measure of wealth, I’d probably be insolvent.

But because I love a good challenge, I will mount that thing again tomorrow, and definitely do better than 10 minutes. 11 perhaps. :)

And…there goes my mission.

Gotta bring leeeaaaan back.

My Summer Bucket List

No, I’m not ditching the road map. This summer is gonna be armed and dangerous with a zest to make things happen.  Naks.

Mark those words and foil any haggling.

Spontaneity does not depart my vocabulary.  But I’m not one to skimp on planning either.  And it gets frustrating to a point of resignation whenever I extremely deviate (i.e., not even starting or attempting to start at least ¼ of the list).  And what tops the frustration is when all those brilliant plans go to the backburner – or worse, the dust bin – because of languor (i.e., the disillusionment brought by the second-rate satisfaction of the couch).  Suddenly, it’s more convenient to just lie around the living room and loaf in front of the TV watching DVDs and munching on junk.

Here’s the problem with settling: you eventually regret it because you know that there was something better within your reach (may not be of comfortable distance, but still within).  You look back, heave a heavy sigh and mutter those words of absolute dread, “What a waste!”

So you know where this is heading and it’s heading somewhere.

Borrowing some immortal lines from CS Lewis, “Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.” I know it’s toooooo tempting to just do nothing whole summer, but hopefully the murk of possible regret will weigh more heavily.

So here’s my bucketful:

1) Learn to ride the bike. Because I can.  Angas much? Yeah, well, to make up for the sad reality that she doesn’t know how to work the gear at 24. Haha.
2) Travel. I don’t care where – well, actually I do – but just lead me some place where I can step back and see life in another perspective.
3) Intern at some law firm (that is, if my schedule permits)
4) Cook.  Or learn how to cook. I started last Christmas and it was a pretty good start – what with a teacher like grandma. :)
5) Surf. This is not top priority. I just recently took an interest when my roommate, who’s not exactly a swimmer, recently learned how to surf.  I mistook this sport as one too tough, but apparently it is pretty learnable.
6) Preach. This one’s easy not because it’s literally easy but because it’s a delight I don’t even have to compel myself to do it. But, it only happens upon invitation.  So God-willing, He’ll let me :)
7) And of course – tandararan! – review Obligations and Contracts. I know what you’re thinking and keep it to yourself! But believe me, this is sanity. I figured I won’t have the luxury to study this foundational prereq of all civil law prereq just months before I take the bar.  And I haven’t exactly taken this course seriously in class so I have to make up for it by self-study.  Plus, as mentioned, it’s a prerequisite to almost all the classes I’m taking next semester. I have to at least exert the extra effort. :)

That’s it. The list’s pretty reasonable, toned down and feasible by common standards. I don’t have any excuse to not achieve at least one.

And a serious tip to the unwary: Don’t be fooled by the equation of rest equals not-doing-anything.  It’s all in the mind.  I have been there- the doing nothing yet feeling more exhausted than ever phase.  So I have integrity to tell you that rest is not exactly tantamount to doing nothing. That’s procrastination and it’s taxing.  One can rest while being busy with stuff that relaxes her mind, calms her heart and makes her happier than normal.

Yeah, trust the expert. Ha-ha.

I'll stop the world and melt with you

Or rather, think it through.

It’s almost the end of the month and the academic year is fast coming to a close but it seems I’ve been hit by the soul-searching bug at such an inopportune time.  My thoughts are running wild and I am almost besieged by all sorts of pressure and the strain of school. I want to scamper away, tempted to put everything on hold and just go out there.  But it ain’t gonna happen.  This month has been mad.  Some of the year’s highlights already transpired this February – the UP Fair, this year’s first Women’s Encounter (the best so far!), birthdays, Citipointe live in church, and lots of other awesomesauce.  It has been mad with responsibilities and opportunities.  Now that I’ve occasion to step back and reflect, I find myself at a standstill while the world is spinning at a relatively faster pace than when I was younger.    Is it the hormones? Is it just the time of the month? Or will this mental and emotional skirmish of trying to figure out what I want (aside from becoming a pastor) last for the rest of my law school life?

Three nights ago I thought I went mental.  I was forcing myself to study while in tears.  I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t absorb anything.  I was a wreck who just wanted to know what she wants to do in life so she could move on and do that. (Or who just had too much dose of the Encounter breakthrough that she would rather just hold encounters every week from that time on). Escaping would be the most comfortable thing to do but in times like these, I’d be the masochist.  So I did the most sensible thing that night: I prayed.  And asked God that if I couldn’t be uprooted from the situation I was in, at least I be given the courage, the calm and the will to fight. And because prayers are miraculous to those who dare, I was answered.  I suddenly felt overwhelming peace and found myself in the zone.  It was supernatural.

I woke up, went to class and experienced little miracles. I concluded I still had it in me to carry on. Maybe, just maybe, I'm still made for this. :)

A Prelude to the Quarterlife

Two days to go.  On Wednesday, I’d be double the age I look.

Okay, that was an overstatement and only because I’ve been getting more than the usual scoop of remarks about how young I look.  The obvious response would be to take it as a compliment.  Thing is, amongst friends my height, I’m a case in isolation. But to my solace, they’d attribute it to good genes. And I buy that for peace of mind. Haha.

Twenty-three had been conceivable but twenty-four feels like a spring to my years – like I’m about to cross some border.  Of course, age remains to be a concept which is why the very title of this entry contradicts my belief.  But you know, it occasionally gives you a tug at life’s movement and a cue to step forward.

Today, I’m exactly where I visualized myself to be almost a decade ago – a bit off schedule but within approximation.   Not that I’m still following the schedule.  All the blind curves and prolonged pit stops rescued me from a life that would have been less than the best.  I would say that those deviations were divinely orchestrated – even the letdowns and setbacks.  Things would’ve been terribly different had I settled with my own blueprint and only listened to my own voice.

What would have I accomplished a quarter-of-a-century old? I would be in South Africa doing volunteer work for the UN since Beyond Borders moved me that much.  I would have fallen for some guy I’d mistake for John Cusack’s character in Serendipity.  I would be a happy stressed “public servant” who’d earn the ire of politicians ‘coz she’s too ridiculous to think she’d make a difference.  I’d be working in the DFA as if I remember anything from all my foreign language classes.  Heck, I’d probably even do a Liza Macuja. Well, maybe that’s stretching it a bit.  But no matter how silly or altruistic my intentions were, they’d fail the test of purpose.  Needless to say, I’m nowhere near any of the above. 

And thank heavens.  Almost a quarter into this life (that’s assuming I reach a hundred), I am winning souls and making disciples. Ain’t life grand?

Judicial Hanky Panky

The day of reckoning draws near and from the sidelines, the likes of us can’t help but shout our own boos and cheers.  In anticipation of the spectacle that is the impeachment trial, I thought I’d contribute to the pool of critiques and commentaries before the tide goes any higher.

 (photo taken here)

I was originally going for Corona-ng Tinik but thought it might be a little too impolite to the judiciary (plus, I think it sounds too familiar); after all, the Chief Justice was quoted attributing this whole impeachment hullaballoo  not only as his personal battle but officially, of the whole judiciary as well.  I am wowed at the idea of such counter-strategy. But that particular statement topped my irk-o-meter.

I’m no legal expert and bereft of any bragging rights but in my 2 years of law school training, never have I come across a doctrine equating the Chief Justice to the whole judiciary.  Not one of my professors ever advanced such view.  It’s defensible to ascribe an attack on a justice as an attack on the integrity of the Supreme Court.  But to the whole judiciary? I think that sort of thinking may find good ground in Mt. Olympus. 

Recall the whole Garci fiasco that marred GMA’s repute.  The Chief Executive reaped discredit for that, but the whole Executive branch couldn’t be slammed altogether.  To some extent, they gained from her stay in power through their appointments. But the character of each appointee cannot be undermined because of GMA’s suspect moral fiber. 

Similarly, misleading is the conclusion that to hold a Chief Justice accountable is in effect, to undermine the Judiciary.  In fact, the very process of impeachment operates to filter the institution. For heaven’s sake, the Chief Justice is not the Judiciary. No one died and made gods of mere mortals.

In spite of this, I am a student of law and I am mandated to respect the final arbiter of what would eventually and probably be the cases I would handle.  I am also necessitated to respect the authority afforded to the highest court.  While I’m clearly no fan of the Chief Justice, I respect the authority of his office.  But, what becomes of an authority vested without merit? Are we bound to revere it just because? Or does this afford us enough justification to pay no heed to such supremacy? I say we must regard it, but like many exceptions to the rule, we are not proscribed to question it. 

The creature that is the separation of powers paves for the system of checks-and-balances in the government and dismisses any claim to primus inter pares among any of the branches.  For this matter, no one can call dibs on Duke-ship in the governmental peerage.  It’s like the Presidency, the Legislature, and the Supreme Court are the dukes and duchesses; the executive departments and appellate courts the marquis; the bureaus, LGUs and trial courts the earl, viscounts and barons.  Such is the hierarchy of government. But hegemony is clearly out of the question.  

What I am trying to drive at is that no one – not the President, not the Senators, and apparently, not the Chief Justice – is spared from being held accountable. I understand how the whole impeachment process stinks.  It’s like a skunk that expels unwelcome political stench.  Though not primarily meant to besmirch, it still sends off a signal that could damage one’s repute or political ambition. Through the lens of objectivity, it is a course of action to uncover the “truth”.  But of course, it is more than just that.  It is a game of numbers. And power and the desire to stay in power. 

As a side comment, permit me to express my amusement to President Aquino’s youngest sister.

The news of impeachment may have caught the public off guard, but it is no big surprise really, considering the budding political skirmish between the Executive and the bulk of the Supreme Court.  It’s no hush-hush that the present administration is hell-bent on countermanding the anomalies of its predecessor.  But of course PNoy kept mum about it, as should be expected.  But I think he should reconsider. If I were PNoy, I’d free myself of the formality of pretense. It’s pretty useless since his sister’s not shutting her  mouth and by the looks of it, not anytime soon. 

(photo taken here)

I was reading our school’s paper when my eye caught sight of this little comment right side of the Editorial page.  To wit:

“I really have to choose? Okay. Si Senator Miriam [Defensor-Santiago], kasi kailangan naming ng boto niya sa impeachment [ni Supreme Court Chief Justice Renato Corona].”

In fairness to Kris, her brand of transparency is what our “public servants” probably lack. Maybe she should be spokesperson. :)