Christmas ain't over but here's to looking forward to everything new, and I don't mean literally. My 2010 moi would probably be a bit diffident to post a wish list but then hey, what are wishes for if not taking that leap of faith? And why 23? Because I'm turning toowentyyythreee at para may "konek" lang, ano?
Shallow and deep, negotiable (i.e., subject to change, won't cry over not getting it) and non-negotiable (i.e., do-or-die) and a bit pushy, but this is 2011, baby.
1. 12. Solid.
2. Joshua 24:15
3. 144
4. Breakthrough in my academics
6. to get published
7. fruit in j12
8. a new Bible (MSG)
9. family vacay in a place across the ocean :)
10. house completion or a new family vehicle. Or both, why not.
11. favorable resolution in family's civil case
12. successful sale of Bata lot
13. a simple digital camera (you know, the handy one 'coz i won't try to compete with my bro's wish for a DSLR)
14. Stargazer
15. my own printer
16. a bookstand
17. to relearn driving. In my case, yes.
18. a ticket to a Ballet Philippines production or to a Dulaang UP play (or any good play) or to a concert of one of my fave bands/music artist(s)
19. amusement park adventure
20. an Omega watch (Constellation collection) - this is moooost wishful thinking but allow me
21. new running shoes
22. just one more cute little addition to our dog haven :)
23. absolute healing
Oh and there's prolly one more, but this one's strictly between me and God ;)
I want to look back at this post years from now, have a good laugh about it, and still praise God - for the things He granted and for those He did not (if any).
February is one of my most favorite months for very obvious reasons (if you happen to be a stranger passing by this blog, no it’s not because of Valentine’s) but it comes only as a close second to December. Yes, only a close second. I came to this conclusion when I was taking my undergraduate degree in UP. There’s just something about December. It always makes the atmosphere cool and thick, amplifying the Christmas feel around the campus whose buildings throw on colorful lights and holiday furnishings. I always find strolls along the academic oval a delight and a breather from a hard day’s worth of studying. The cool breeze and the sound of the Carillon bells soothe and calm effortlessly. But especially, I love the merry month because of the merry celebration it brings. I love Christmas! I love it for the revelry, for the giving and receiving, for the food, the songs, the merry and the cheer. I love Christmas for the family gatherings and the memories made out of the occasion. But most exceptionally, I love the season for its very reason. I love it for Jesus. It marks the humble birth of my Savior, of Him I owe every Christmas I’ve ever had. It’s not just a feel-good month , ya know. December marks the life of the most important person in my life - heck in all people's lives, as it should be! It’s the time I am reminded that my God has been born into this world like everyone else. But it’s more than just a simple reminder. If I have one general wish this season for the rest of the world (because world peace is so passé), it’d be that Christmas be celebrated everyday – not with the gifts and sparkles, but with the heart that recognizes its real meaning. We should celebrate it not just to remember. We don’t usually celebrate birthdays without the celebrator, right? Just the same, Christmas is a birthday celebration. So we should celebrate it like the birthday boy is here with us, because He really is! Without His presence, Christmas will cease to be.
photo taken from sfgate.com
So this time, may Christmas be for the rest of the year and may it stay in our hearts for every month there is - and not just when the calendar tells us so. MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL! :)
Because I feel like random today. And it's one of those moments you feel like you just want to jump into a crazy adventure. These are the things I think I want to try if money and time (and fear, maybe) weren’t so big a factor.
1) Go on a Missions trip in South Africa or Burma. - I’m not trying to do an Angelina. I think I may just have the heart. Besides this is no UN volunteerism, though I would also love to do just that.
2) Ride a hot-air balloon on a date. – It’s really not that extreme but at least you’ll find me starry-eyed up there. If it's too fancy, a theme/amusement park would do just fine.
3) Skydive and bungee jump – I would love to do both.For the thrill and the feel of freedom.
4) Learn a foreign language, seriously this time. – I took 6 units of French, 3 units of Russian and 3 units of Italian back in undergrad. Sounds impressive, eh? Ha! Spell S-A-B-O-G.
5) Dance ballet - I know, I know, what's so outrageous about ballet? But understand me: it exceeds my kind of moderation. If I could turn back time, I’d probably have chosen to continue. But then again, it’s only wishful thinking. Masaya na din ako watching ballet performances every now and then.
6) Climb a snowy mountain. – Okay, well maybe not so snowy. I’m thinking the Himalayans.
7) Go backpacking around the world. – Cambodia – the Andes– the Bahamas – Israel – Bogota - Russia – EUROPE (that’s a whole continent right there ‘coz there’s just too many too mention) – and the list goes on. Don't fret, I am quite aware that I need to build up my stamina if I'm this ambitious. =)
8) Don a pixie cut. – Or the UP Pep look.But first I need to muster the guts.
9) Dye my hair platinum white. – Or buy a wig, if proposing the idea would freak my parents out.
10) Scuba dive. – Because I'm aqua girl. Heck swimming is the only sport I feel I could be competitive in if I had serious training. Plus I'm sure it's a wonderful world down there, I mean under the sea!
11) Dance in the rain on a summer dress. – Inspired by Taylor Swift’s Fearless. You should listen to the song. It totally gave me the idea.
12) Play the drums or the violin. – I wonder why my parents never enrolled me in any musical instruments class. They enrolled me in voice twice, in ballet for four years, in swimming for a summer, in an acting workshop but never found it in their soul to make me learn how to play even just one musical instrument. I had to learn to play the guitar in class instead and it was only then that my dad decided to buy one.
13) Speak in front of a large audience. – Large as in Big Dome large.
14) Pass a law that is malum prohibitum. – Something less pathetic than punishing spitting on public spaces, which I actually proposed on a Criminal Law exam because nothing else came to mind. Pffft.
15) Fly to outer space. – If not with Superman, at least in an uber cool space craft. If this sounds too outrageous, then maybe witnessing a meteor shower would do.
16) Eat something weird. – Or not. Bleeech.
17) Sleep outdoors (not camp, mind you)– Like in a beach or a football field or a cemetery (I may be kidding here but who knows)
18) Fly a plane. And see the sunset from above.
19) Telekinesis ala Matilda. Aaaah, the power of the mind.
20) Give birth sans anaesthesia. I'm no masochist, okay? But then again and hence, the title of this blog.
1) Go on a Missions trip in South Africa or Burma. - I’m not trying to do an Angelina. I think I may just have the heart. Besides this is no UN volunteerism, though I would also love to do just that.
2) Ride a hot-air balloon on a date. – It’s really not that extreme but at least you’ll find me starry-eyed up there. If it's too fancy, a theme/amusement park would do just fine.
3) Skydive and bungee jump – I would love to do both.For the thrill and the feel of freedom.
4) Learn a foreign language, seriously this time. – I took 6 units of French, 3 units of Russian and 3 units of Italian back in undergrad. Sounds impressive, eh? Ha! Spell S-A-B-O-G.
5) Dance ballet - I know, I know, what's so outrageous about ballet? But understand me: it exceeds my kind of moderation. If I could turn back time, I’d probably have chosen to continue. But then again, it’s only wishful thinking. Masaya na din ako watching ballet performances every now and then.
6) Climb a snowy mountain. – Okay, well maybe not so snowy. I’m thinking the Himalayans.
7) Go backpacking around the world. – Cambodia – the Andes– the Bahamas – Israel – Bogota - Russia – EUROPE (that’s a whole continent right there ‘coz there’s just too many too mention) – and the list goes on. Don't fret, I am quite aware that I need to build up my stamina if I'm this ambitious. =)
8) Don a pixie cut. – Or the UP Pep look.But first I need to muster the guts.
9) Dye my hair platinum white. – Or buy a wig, if proposing the idea would freak my parents out.
10) Scuba dive. – Because I'm aqua girl. Heck swimming is the only sport I feel I could be competitive in if I had serious training. Plus I'm sure it's a wonderful world down there, I mean under the sea!
11) Dance in the rain on a summer dress. – Inspired by Taylor Swift’s Fearless. You should listen to the song. It totally gave me the idea.
12) Play the drums or the violin. – I wonder why my parents never enrolled me in any musical instruments class. They enrolled me in voice twice, in ballet for four years, in swimming for a summer, in an acting workshop but never found it in their soul to make me learn how to play even just one musical instrument. I had to learn to play the guitar in class instead and it was only then that my dad decided to buy one.
13) Speak in front of a large audience. – Large as in Big Dome large.
14) Pass a law that is malum prohibitum. – Something less pathetic than punishing spitting on public spaces, which I actually proposed on a Criminal Law exam because nothing else came to mind. Pffft.
15) Fly to outer space. – If not with Superman, at least in an uber cool space craft. If this sounds too outrageous, then maybe witnessing a meteor shower would do.
16) Eat something weird. – Or not. Bleeech.
17) Sleep outdoors (not camp, mind you)– Like in a beach or a football field or a cemetery (I may be kidding here but who knows)
18) Fly a plane. And see the sunset from above.
19) Telekinesis ala Matilda. Aaaah, the power of the mind.
20) Give birth sans anaesthesia. I'm no masochist, okay? But then again and hence, the title of this blog.
You know that point in a journey when you are faced with two roads that go opposite sides? You wish there was a sign for you pointing towards your destination, but there isn’t. And the choice is yours to make. And you think travelling is the hardest part of your journey so far but you’re quite mistaken. Decisions are bound to break you – again and again. Why are they so hard to make?
Because I think I have the best of both worlds, but not really. Long have I realized that I need to zero in on a solitary path if I want to thrive at something. Feels like a crossroads – at her prime yet at sea floundering to go ashore her island of permanency. I am not soul searching though; my life’s timeline has a clear demarcation sometime September of 2006 when I found myself – or to put it more accurately, when I was found. If you ask me what I really want to do with my life, I could stare you straight in the eye without so much of a blink and not think twice of the answer. I know what I was made to do. But how I am going to do it brings me to this point. I may be able to do it a number of ways but that wouldn’t exactly yield the best and the very fact that I know it haunts. So instead I ask, right now, how? Dreams come and go, some have rested quite eagerly in my heart but they can’t be chased altogether. So goes the elimination and slowly I pick some, leave some. But it’s not enough. Inside of me, there’s like this raging ball of fire burning for only one and I have to find it – or choose it to consume me.
Why am I even in law school? I must have made up my mind countless times about it, but I’m back to square one. They say it’s normal to arrive at this point where you’ll try to figure out if it’s really for you. There are nights – oftener now – when I’d rather do other stuff than study, days when I’d go to class mechanically, classes when I’d space out and find my mind wandering instead of focusing on the professor’s lecture. Perhaps it’s the leniency. Second semester has been a far cry from the torment of first semester. Professors are relatively less demanding. But the desire to study shouldn’t be based on the terror level of the professor or the demand of the subject. Regardless of the subject, I guess law school should always be law school. You either absolutely want it or absolutely not. So why does it feel like I’ve lost it? Have I been disillusioned early on? I haven’t lost heart, have I? Maybe this laxity is affording me more time to reflect as compared to the hullabaloo of last semester when thoughts of assessing life choices went to the backburner. When you have no time to stop and think, you just press on and on even when your spirit’s desperately crying for a halt. And when suddenly everything slows down, you suddenly catch yourself in a relapse or worse, at an inception. I don’t know which is better.
I haven’t been through the friendliest of times during and right after the first semester. I got a lot of first heartaches. And when I say heartaches, I really mean it - drama aside. But as mentioned, I really hadn’t had the time to indulge myself some reflections so I just went by the surge, scathing myself in the process. But never mind the wounds; they don’t hurt as much when you’ve been through storms. They seem to numb you at the onset, but they actually don’t. Eventually you disregard them because you get bigger lesions. What I am more concerned about is the bleakness before me. I know what’s behind the fog and I am secure of that. I just need to get it out of my sight.
But I never thought I’d find myself back here – or I knew perchance but I never really welcomed the idea. It’s so familiar I want to puke. I find myself in a paradox of getting used to unfamiliarity.
One can’t help it: why was I brought here in the first place? Why give back a dream that seemed only His to give when it feels like drifting away? I let it go once. Afterwards I told myself that if and when it comes back, it’s mine for the taking. But why does it feel like this? Did I just hear You wrong?
I get back the thrill every once in a while. Then I lose it every once in a while. Instability has always posed precarious dares - never a friend, always an obstinate foe.
Is it only to please mom and dad and the rest of the world who is dreaming for me? They have invested more than I have. I can imagine the devastation it would bring if I say I’d had enough. They’ve dreamed this dream for me and with me since time immemorial. But I catch myself musing about the possibilities of my alternate world, what I could be doing if I wasn’t pursuing this. I catch myself with questions. Why am I toiling during the best years of my life? Why am I letting myself absorb all the stress when this time of my life could be the most stress-free? Why am I stuck in a classroom when I could be exploring the world? Why am I subjecting myself to this when I could be doing other things I also want to do? Why am I stuck here? Let’s see. At one point, I wanted to be in the Judiciary, but the institution seems snobby to ordinary people, like they’re creating a world of their own – utopian in aspiration but not close in fact. So I figured I want to become a legislator instead if only to make laws more sensible or make sensible laws. Bottom line is actually public service, veiled in the grime of politics. I haven’t lost heart actually. It’s just that it’s all a haze. And up until I get to that point of lucidity, I’ll hang about this path. I guess I would just have to fight and fight even without knowing if it’s all futile. I couldn’t really stop, could I? I couldn’t really bring myself to a standstill. I have to keep moving because the rest of the world won’t stop for me. I am staying because I am hoping that even as I choose to continue, soon enough the mist will dissipate. I am staying in the hopes that it is here and in the process that I will actually figure it out. I am led to believe that answers won’t really come if I stop. Soon enough and not belatedly, it will fall into place.
Even amidst all the burns and bruises, I think I didn’t hear You wrong. Even when it seems like time passed by mockingly, I will remain. I just needed that thud inside me, that leap to know it’s all alive.
Yeah, it’s all alive.
The world has become so unfamiliar. Once you were part of the brew, now you appear an aloof soul – not exactly the person you wanted to carry as you step out. So you have to stick it out and suck it in but not too much that you lose the very thing you’re risking all of these for. Then the snaps evince that you had a good time those hours when everyone else seemed inebriated. You fired one shot. One shot was all it took. You had to run off but without damages, and you knew it. And this was the reason why you were playing tug-of-war with dear superego in the first place. Not that you couldn’t stand the company – in fact you had heart, but the spirit that consumes the collective is just too much for a lone soldier. So you have to take off prematurely only to find yourself in yet another rendezvous. What have you gotten yourself into? You could have been watching Mechas in virtual action but here you are whooping it up in the real world. You didn’t fire this time because there wasn’t any compulsion, thank goodness – maybe it’s the age, you figured. But the conversations, the culture, the reverie were all too familiar. Finally you remember the world, you knew how it felt but not completely – ‘coz it will never come to that point ever again. You know you are not fooled but you continue and try to associate – without a noble resolve. You knew you’d come home wanting to strangle your spirit. You knew it would happen. But you had to go because you couldn’t hide in the comforts of your “zone” forever. You had to step out and inhale the air you yourself once breathed. Guilt is out of the question. It’s really a matter of intent and of doing something with it. How did you differentiate yourself? Was it even manifest? And you call yourself radical. You need to break more. You need the nerve to embrace exile if that’s what it takes. Whatever it takes, you need to put the light on full view, not dim it. So what if the world will think otherwise. So what if they’d dismiss you crazy. So what if. So what. So what.
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