"None of the above.  You are neither a season nor for just a season. In truth, you are one of the constants in my life now. You are part of my life as much as I am part of yours."

And I just smiled. :)

SOON.

Some things are better left unsaid.

A Just Vexation

Just recently, my Public International Law class had a little trip to the Senate to witness the hearing on the then pending concurrence of the Senate to the country’s signing of the Rome Statute.  The said law established the International Criminal Court (ICC) which exercises jurisdiction over cases concerning crimes against humanity, genocide, war crimes and the like.  To our disappointment, the Senate deferred voting for a day.  Apparently, Senate President Juan Ponce-Enrile is in disagreement with its approval for reasons only we could guess.  Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago obliged to elucidate us disclosing something about internal politics but I was too starstruck to catch her words and ended up noticing her accent more than her reasoning.  I found out two days after that it has finally taken effect with 16 (or 17) yeas and a lone nay from Enrile. Finally, we are under the ICC’s jurisdiction making it feasible for us to bring cases to the Hague-based international court.  So what’s in it for us? If and when domestic courts are unable or unwilling to prosecute and try national leaders and heads of state for felonies supposedly committed, we can elevate the case to the ICC.  HENCE, national leaders who escape conviction domestically due to anomalous impunity can now be prosecuted and tried in the international court. That’s the beauty of it.

Dismal, however, is the inefficiency (if I may be permitted to express) of our government departments in the system or process of treaty-signing including ratification, transmittal from the Executive to the Senate, and the concurrence (or not) of the Senate to validate the treaty.  Well, at least in this case.  To my surprise, it took an estimate of 13 years for the Senate to actually vote and approve the Rome Statute as binding to the Philippines.  So what happened in between? Politics, I guess.  And lots of it.

The US wasn’t a signatory to the Rome Statute, though I am not certain if they already are at present.  They did not agree to it precisely because the US is a great global bully that won’t take any form of condescension in the international scene.  As far as they’re concerned, not an international court or internationally recognized laws can impose their jurisdiction upon them.  And so because the Philippines is an infuriatingly loyal ally, in my mind, we must have maintained “allegiance” by adopting their position. I am tempted to consider this superfluous puppetry.

Our trip seemed futile apart from the en masse exit of our class from the Session Hall, which hopefully sent a signal to our Senators of our humble disappointment.  Oh well, at least we got to have our picture taken with Madame Miriam. J

In Memoriam

10 years. Has it really been? I was 13 then. By now, I thought I must have moved on. But I'm as beguiled as ever. The annals of my adolescent-hood will always have a special place for the phenomenon of the Boy Who Lived. The last production was the only one when my tears fell. There will be no more looking-forward-to-the-next-HP moments, only remembering and retelling and probably, rereading.  It has reached the end and truly, it was epic.

Vienna: (paraphrase) I want my own Snape!!! Unwavering faithfulness 'til the end. 
Aiken: (post post movie epiphany) Oh of course! I have my own Snape already!  Genuine, faithful and unfailing love - through and through.  'Til death and beyond. Ah Jesus, You are everywhere and indeed, more than just a Severus :)

Balisa sa Tag-ulan

Hindi ako mapakali kanina. Tatlong araw akong halos nakakulong sa dormitoryo dahil sa bagyo.  Ikatlong araw ngayong walang pasok.  Hindi ako mapakali.  Dapat ay magse-“cell” ako ngayong araw.  Pero dahil sinuspende nga ang mga klase, balik Huwebes na naman ang aming iskedyul. Hindi ako mapakali.  Gusto kong lumabas at pangatawanan ang Acts 20:24.  Ganito pala ‘pag nahanap mo na ang iyong “bakit” sa buhay – hindi ka mapakali hangga’t hindi ito natutupad.  Nawawalan ng saysay ang katuwaang walang pasok.  Pero masarap sa pakiramdam. Pag nakaugat na ito sa sistema mo, hindi mo ito maikakaila.  Pigilan ka ma’y hindi ka papipigil.  Sindakin ka ma’y hindi ka matitinag.

Sa tapat ng Sanggumay ang Kalay, kung saan ako dati’y nanirahan din.  Sa tapat ko ang pangarap na magtanim ng bunga sa unibersidad na ito.  May pangarap ako sa eskwelehan sa kung saan ako itinalaga ng tadhana – mas malayo, at tila’y dayuhan kung ako’y ituring. Ngunit ang puso ko’y tumitibok pa rin sa paaralang nagpalaki sa akin, sa institusyong kinamulatan ko ng katotohanan na akin ngayong minumutya.  Higit diyan ay ang aking pamamalagi dito.  Sapat na bang kadahilanang isipin na hindi ako pumasa para lamang mangatwira’y tinutupad nga Niya ang mga pangarap kundi dahil may itinakda pang gawaing kailangang tapusin sa pamantasan?  Dati’y dalangin lamang, ngayo’y ramdam ko ang tibok ng puso. UP, para kanino ka nga ba lumalaban? Panahon na para isakatuparan ang iyong pahinungod na buong puso’y alay sa bayan.  Ngayo’y dagdagan natin nang mas makapangyarihan: pahinungod para sa Diyos at para sa bayan.

Ako’y namulat, ika’y gigisingin.  Walang kapahingahan hangga’t ika’y tunay ngang makamtan.

After almost two years struggling to write you, I finally did.  Because your image to me is now clear - a faithful faceless silhouette.  I am very much tempted to post it, but it's too personal I think you deserve exclusive rights over it.

And as I write this, the same song that played in the background almost 4 years ago when I wrote you my first one is playing - happenstance or what?

Two things I want to tell you though that the world may know: I'm sorry. And I believe in you - more than ever. Now more than ever.

'Til then,

Aiken

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere, they're in each other all along. - Rumi

Today's that day

Summer: You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me.

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew. 

Tom: Knew what? 

Summer: What I was never sure of with you. 

 Joseph Gordon-Levitt's just real cute. :)

xoxo

Thrill Tuesdays

It’s not just Tuesdays, actually. It’s just that Tuesdays are the BUSIEST of my busiest days.

Here's a peek of my daily academic agenda (this week):

I start off Monday studying the whole morning and early afternoon for Public International Law because I have a class 3:30 on that subject.  Then I try to study for 3 major subjects for the rest of the night ‘til the wee hours, with digesting cases in between ‘til my hands are sore.

Hello Tuesday. I wake up and do my not so routinary morning routine and start with Constitutional Law at 10 am. Quiz day. We end at 12 noon. I a grab quick “lunch”, print digests, and try to speedily review and go over cases for Labor Law and Criminal Procedure.  Labor starts at 3:30 and end at 5. I get called for recitation – as expected. But it’s all good. Professor gives a "surprise" quiz. Then I literally dash to my Criminal Procedure class which starts at 5. My stomach grumbles but I brush it off. I feel my energy escape me.  Then I get called again, lo and behold – after getting called the previous meeting. I didn’t study for this session but amazingly and really amazingly, I winged it. And even thought it was a good one. Thank God. The heavens are on my favor. We end at 8 pm – me drained as an empty bottle.  2 quizzes and 2 recitations in one day. What is SOLID. But my day doesn’t end there, apparently. My adrenaline's still pumping. (Next week, I'll be rushing to some meeting afterwards!)

I go home and try to keep my spirits up.  I grab some sandwich ‘coz I’m on fast (if you don’t get what I mean, don’t bother). I start studying for Agrarian Reform Law for the next day. I'd just have to cram PIL tomorrow. I labor through keeping my eyes open.  I feel dizzy but try to carry on. My body pleads rest, but my mind shouts NO. My eyes are finally giving up on me, so I decide to sleep at 1:30 am finishing only half of the assigned reading list.  I wake up at 5 am and struggle to get out of bed.  I still need to study.  I look up and catch sight of the sign I intentionally posted in front of my bed: Para kanino ka bumabangon? Oh dear Lord. Forgive me. After 30 minutes of struggling, I get up. I try to read what I can still read.  I still didn’t finish everything though. But, hello Wednesday!

Class started at 8 – an hour earlier than usual to make-up for a free cut.  I pray desperately not to get called. I don't want to give less than my best! Miraculously, my professor skipped my name when I was next one on the list. What is FAVOR, indeed! I rush back to the dorm to cram for my 3:30 PIL class but found myself dozing off.   My body just totally auto-switched to REST.

Let's end there. Thursdays to Saturdays are another crazy thing. :)

And guess what, law school’s just a chunk of this fullness. Still, it’s all good, y know.  Actually getting better and better. All credits to my super duper Jesus.

P.S.
Maybe next time, I'll share the happening-in-betweens (i.e., family, ministry, extra-curriculars, and what have you).

Just sharing.

xoxo

I'm still at it.

What's up!

I haven’t been posting stuff about law school lately and not because I’m not in school. In fact, I have been very much into it that I don’t have to impel myself to talk about it. Get my jive? Anyway, I won’t be posting about legalese but some insights I gathered these past few weeks.

To say that my first year had been a roller-coaster ride is an understatement. I have definitely messed up a bit (or a lot), but the great thing about law school is how it builds me up.  There’s this maxim a batchmate told me while I was going through a tricky situation during registration: law school’s not a race, it’s a marathon.  My timetable was ruined, but I was as calm as calm can be – probably because I’ve learned from the past.  Trusting God on this is the best decision I’ve made in this aspect of my life.  Hence, the motto which I go by in law: FIGHT ‘TIL THE LAST BREATH.  It doesn’t matter if things didn’t work out as planned, the important thing is to continue.  Because my heart beats for this.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t be crazy enough to prolong this calvary. But my heart beats for it, that is why it is a happy calvary I’m very much willing to take.

I’ve seen myself grow.  This may seem to you a pompous statement, but I couldn’t rephrase it more discretely.  I’ve been disciplined like never before, compelled to focus like never before, and taught to control my emotions.  It taught me how to manage my time wisely, but at the same time to never be too busy that I forget myself or my purpose. “Yes, fight ‘til the last breath but I’ll never be too busy for You and you.” It’s such an irony, dontchathink?

I don’t talk about this dream this way often because it’s something I don’t find a need to.  But I want to share a bit of it.  As I told a friend, law school is humbling.  The profession seems grand, but the process of attaining an ATTY before your name is humbling.  It made me realize the nothingness in me – how small and weak and a naught I am.  It is good news, actually because when I am nothing, God becomes my everything. He takes over like a flood that surges when you’re all out.

I’ve been through that irresolute stage, that seemingly endless stage that’s so full of DRAMA and soul-searching! But after going through impossibilities and finding myself alive, I take it as a thumbs-up from my Father to carry on.

Law school is bad-ass HARD. But it makes me want to be better.  It doesn’t have to conflict with everything else! :) How in the universe am I going to balance school with ministry and family and friends and love life (yeah, let’s include that assuming it arrives)? Impossible, eh? Exactly why I like it when things go impossible.  BECAUSE God works best then.

It’s like walking in water, all the time.

Philippians 4:13

Waiting

The idea of waiting strikes a rather downbeat chord – at the outset.  Nobody wants to wait in line for hours.  It’s bummer enough to wait, but to do so standing in a poorly ventilated place with the dissonance of heads scampering about sucks out what is left of anybody’s cool. There’s the waiting for results – of an exam, of a medical test, of a long prayed for pregnancy. One can imagine the excruciating pain of waiting for a final grade or the unforbearing ordeal of waiting for a promotion after years of impeccable service.  For some, there’s the long wait to get out of high school and move on to college for self-reinvention. Or to move on with college and start building their own lives. Children couldn’t wait to mature.  Teenagers try to advance to adulthood like there’s no tomorrow. And parents can’t wait for their children to grow up – only to realize late in life that time flew so fast they wished they were young again.  There’s the waiting for dreams, the thought bubble of “someday when I grow up”. Sometimes, those bubbles dissipate or get popped; for some they get larger as they are realized or remain as is.  There’s also that big wait for the One, that solitary being you feel would perfectly complement you – or if he or she will ever come.  Sadly enough, some couldn’t wait on life.  The saddest thing comes when we couldn’t wait on God.  And we blow it all away.

Three things.  The wait, the why and the what you’re waiting for.

The wait is the act or time throughout which some action is anticipated.  It may sound passive but it doesn’t necessarily have to.  In fact, those who become productive even while they wait are less likely to complain of the length of time of waiting.  They busy themselves, that upon the end, the wait wouldn’t even seem long.  The wait is the period of growth, not an interlude of grumbling.  The wait is the period of preparation for what you’ve waited for, so that when it finally comes to pass, you’re all set and ready to receive.  Why the need for preparation? Because a month-old baby will not be able to handle solid food and will just end up sick.  He needs to grow up first. Just the same, we might not be able to handle it all at once and waste it all away.  When it comes to relationships, the period of waiting for the right person is vital to the quality and success of your relationship, of your future and the outgrowth of it.  When you can’t wait and rush in where angels fear to tread, regrets will most likely later hound you, to say the least.  The question is not how long (or how short) you waited; the question is if you did it right. When people tire of waiting, they tend to be myopic and fail to see the bigger picture.  Suddenly a rash spirit overcomes them.  Insecurity, jealousy, ennui, dissatisfaction or raging hormones take the better of them.  All of a sudden, waiting seems to be a sacrifice they find hard to take.  But it’s only a matter of perspective.  The wait is no sacrifice but a part of the timeline of your life.  While you wait, it doesn’t mean that the rest of your world stands still.  Waiting is no sacrifice for those who look at it in a different light.  Perspective and attitude both play major roles. The good news is while you wait for a dream, you are getting ready to handle that dream in the process.  And the period of getting ready is part and parcel of the whole package.  In childbirth, you wait nine months while carrying the bundle of joy in your womb.  The whole nine months of growing and preparing is part and parcel of the whole package of a wonderful and healthy baby.  Waiting reaps; in fact, it reaps generously that when it finally comes to pass, you’ll realize that it was all worth it. And that probably you wouldn’t have it any other way.  But the challenge to waiting is that one must go through it.  Sure it’s a nice thought to know what lies ahead, the prize that awaits you, the end goal that you are going to conquer.  But it’s easier said than done. That is why the idea of waiting must be appreciated.  To endure, you always go back to how you value the why behind the wait. Because the more that you know and value your why the more that you are able to endure the wait.

And why endure? Because the period between your decision and the result is no smooth-sailing.  Expect tests, problems and challenges along the way.  You dream for that top spot in your company? Going up the corporate ladder means facing challenges to your self-esteem, impossible bosses, a stretching of your expertise, a not-so-perfect work environment and even possibly, a lay-off.  You dream to become a doctor, a lawyer, or an engineer? Well school’s not always so cool when you have to pull an all-nighter to study, sacrifice a barkada weekend for a trip to the library, or get picked on by your most terror professor.  You dream for a lucrative business? Well, they don’t happen overnight. Big successes usually start with small ones.  Dream of marrying the One? Trial-and-error relationships will get you nowhere near your destiny.  Why wait when you think the feeling’s mutual? Because fact of the matter is: love is more than mere heightened emotions.  You want to have a family of your own? Well financial and emotional preparedness come with the package.  Are your spirits dampened already? Check your attitude. All of these are NOT to discourage but to keep things in perspective.  If you don’t have the right attitude, you might find yourself questioning everything. If you fall prey to the temptations of seemingly better alternatives and want the easy way “up”, you forfeit the best in store for you.  God made you a promise and He will deliver without a doubt.  But that promise may not always come at your own appointed time.  Trust this: God has a better timing (who knows, his timing may be earlier than yours!).  The promise may be clouded out by present circumstances, insecurity, rejection, trials and doubts, but it remains.  Your dream will be fulfilled if God says so, but it will also be tested.  And the tests sometimes come in the form of waiting.

In the end, all this fuss about waiting will get those who patiently do so to a favorable conclusion: it is not so much the wait that counts most really; it’s what you’ve waited for that matters.  After enduring hours standing in line, all the bad vibes disappear as you finally get your turn.  After waiting and working hard for that promotion, satisfaction will taste better when you achieve it.  After waiting patiently for years for that special someone you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, you realize that those years could well have been minutes.  After waiting for a child that seemed impossible to arrive, you find yourself awed in God’s grace with a baby that’s worth all the wait and the faith.  Waiting is more than a test of endurance.  It is more than a challenge of our determination.  It defines our character and our faith.  It defines the result, the prize we are to take.  Your appreciation of waiting and determination to do so will determine a value.  Your faith that it will come to pass determines its coming to pass.  If the prize is worth the wait, then be worthy of the prize: wait. :)

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the weakest of them all?

The strongest is.

Animals of the wild appear stronger than their domesticated counterparts.  But in fact, they have higher mortality rates.  What is unguarded is naturally prone to attack. Even if you call dibs on the title of king, you are not impervious to nature and its rage.

A heart has to be tamed for its own sake.  If you let it go wild, it might end up broken – for all the wrong reasons, at such an unripe season.  Sometimes, the heart speaks a different language than one’s logic.  And sometimes, it is truly liberating.  But other times, it is unrepresentative of one’s identity.

A heart has to be tamed by its owner before it is won by another.  If it remains the savage catalyst that it is, it will throb more painfully when its captor fails.

A heart longs the chase and if it is strong enough, holds back for a moment before giving in to the pursuit. It does yield to the truly deserving.  If the runner succumbs to another, the heart does not crumble.  It knows its worth.  If the chaser surrenders to frivolity, then it is deserving not.

The heart is easily deceived – no matter the personal fortification.  Its weakness can lie in its strength. It trusts, it opens up, it responds.  And when it finds itself a victim of an illusory feat, it looks towards several options.  Almost automatically it is built up.  Almost automatically also, it grieves.  But unsurprisingly, it self-administers anesthesia.  The pain-averse does not want to feel any more of the throbbing and aching.  For this to happen, it needs to shut off completely.  In effect, it deflects all the other feelings in the process – even those of genuine joy and pleasure. The bare heart, on the other hand, will accept anything that can fill the void.  It will take whatever is handed over – even the shallowness and counterfeit.  In the process, it becomes prostituted. Of course, this is not universal and may just be an arbitrary observation.

If a heart chooses to keep its peace, it seeks maturity.  It could choose to give itself away, but when it holds back, it thinks forward – to its benefit and the other’s.  It could try to catch attention, but if it chooses to look away, it applies wisdom.  It could choose to urge the physical to speak the sentiments and emotions, but if it can contain it and inhibits itself, it gives much discretion to the will, in fact a greater will than its spirit. It knows it is not its duty to do so yet. Maybe then, it has found a permanent place to rest.  Maybe then, it is tamed.  And maybe then, it is ready.

It could show you, but it will not.  Not the tamed one, not unless it is captured. The irony of it all.

Excerpts

Because I can't get enough of C.S. Lewis and his genius. I started Mere Christianity with high regard for its content and author but just the same, dismissed it as one of those "intellectually stimulating" Christian books that just tickle spiritual savvy.  But it was more than just sound reasoning, to say the least.  In fact, it seemed to me like a compendium of topics relating to Christianity or God, in general, that is both enlightening and practical at the same time. Might be posting excerpts in the next few posts.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.  If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud.  Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage.  I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others to do the same."

On Faith

"Now Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.  For moods will change, whatever view your reason takes.  I know that by experience.  Now that I am a Christian I do have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable. 

[...]

Unless you teach your moods “where they get off,” you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion.  Consequently one must train the habit of Faith."

On the unreliability of emotions (my way of paraphrasing haha)

"But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not.  It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him"

On Love (Charity)

"The rule for all of us is simple. Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did.  As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets.  When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him."

On Temptations

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.

 [...]

Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.

 [...]

We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means – the only complete realist. 

 [...]

Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort of trying harder and harder.  But in another sense it is not trying that is ever going to bring us home."  

On Pride

“According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride.  Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.”

[…]

“The Christians are right : it is Pride which has been the chief cause of misery in every nation and every family since the world began.  Other vices may sometimes bring people together: you may find good fellowship and jokes and friendliness among drunken people or unchaste people.  But Pride always means enmity – it is enmity.  And not only enmity between man and man, but enmity to God.

                In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself.  Unless you know God as that – and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison – you do not know God at all.  As long as you are proud you cannot know God.  A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.” [Emphasis supplied]

*drumroll please*

MAVS WIN!

And I can't help but GRIN :D

I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is it's okay.

Rooting for the Underdog

Lately, I’ve been an avid viewer of the NBA and getting my savvy back on the game.  I realized that apart from a preconceived bias, I’m inclined to root for the underdog.  From the start, Miami had a sure spot on the top 2.  It’s creditable to them how they bounced back on their last game against the Bulls.  To say the least, they earned their place on the championships. Whether you’re a fan or not, there’s no denying that the Heat IS good.  TOO GOOD in fact that I found myself rooting for the underdog, the one expected to lose.  So I woke up one day and realized it was the start of the NBA finals.  It was game 1.  I rooted for Oklahoma against Dallas during the playoffs.  So obviously, I had no clear position on the finals.  But I stuck it out through game 1 and found myself (guess what?) on the side of the Mavericks.  They lost the first game but what a surprise they were at the second.  The Heat looked as if they owned the game and their players talked big on the court – but it was indeed too early a celebration.  Game 2 finally taught them a lesson.  I’m rooting for the Mavs because they have less gall and more grit.  Their last game against the Heat showed resilience and the spirit NOT to let home court advantage, a 15-point lead by their opponent in the last quarter, and the terror trio of James, Wade and Bosh dictate the end result of the game.  A team trailing by scores of points, pressured by the boos of the audience, and threatened by dunks, steals, impeccable three’s, and turnovers against their favor by the other team (obviously more advantaged!) will most likely go downhill over all these disadvantageous circumstances.  But the Dallas Mavericks is something else.  Heck they wouldn’t have squeezed their way to the top if they’d been otherwise. They persist in the most cutthroat moment even when LeBron James pulls a very intimidating dunk and Chris Bosh follows through a missed shot with such surprising flair.  The other team is clearly stronger in terms of players.  But the Mavs define "cool under pressure". They fight ‘til the last second and endure consistently. A special mention to Dirk Nowitzki who never fails to deliver! He is indeed THE German Assassin – and a modest one, at that. In the last remaining minutes of the fourth quarter, the Mavs pulled through scoring consistently, not missing a shot while the Heat was, well, caught by surprise.  They just had to celebrate too early.  Consistency and persistence even under immense pressure got the Mavs their first win by a crucial 2-point lead in the last remaining seconds.  From being a consistent runner up in all four quarters of game 2, victory was still on their side. What a turn of events!  Who would’ve thought.  But to be fair, I also give it to the Heat.  They surprised the Bulls with a slamming comeback.  I was honestly rooting for the Bulls to win.  But Miami is a powerhouse, inevitably strong and less exciting to cheer for.  That is why in this season’s finals, I’m rooting for the underdog – win or lose.

GO MAVS!!!

Fear of A Fearless

"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."


"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.


"Not because you are?"


"I am not.  But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

- Prince Caspian, Chronicles of Narnia 


I just finished Max Lucado's Fearless after skipping C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity (I'm saving it for last) and I feel obliged to share a bit of what I just digested. The book or the author, more appropriately, discussed all sorts of fears - from psychological and mental fears to physical ones, and how they are to be dealt with through Scripture, prayer and our daily dose of relationship with life's very author. But my favorite chapter did not talk about all those negative fears (sounds redundant? But no.) Instead, it enlightened me about the only one healthy terror we should have. And much emphasis on the auxiliary verb. Fear of the Lord.  This very virtue bothered me during Christian Life Education classes back in highschool.  I just didn't get it, no matter how a believer I confessed myself to be.  I didn't get the idea of how the very concept of dread could be juxtaposed with how I understood an almighty Creator.  What is fear of the Lord? And why is it good? Could fear ever be good? "As awe of Jesus expands, fears of life diminish," Max elucidates.  Author Ellen F. Davis captures it more sharply: "Fear of the Lord is the deeply sane recognition that we are not God." And that's when I go with my Ooooh's and Aaah's. As we grow in our understanding of God, He becomes greater in our lives.  Not that He ever was less, but that we could never really take His greatness in just one sitting.  Reading the book taught me how to deal with my fears the way God wants me to, but the idea of "fearless" stood out most manifestly with the idea of fear of God.  Fear of the Lord expels all other fears. When you know (and you can't even measure) how awesome great your God is, a feeling of holy awe and fear sinks in. And with this humbling feeling, you are comforted by the fact that the BIG guy who rose from the dead, breathed stars, fed thousands and healed hopeless sick cases and more IS on your side. And when He is on your side, naturally He is against all your enemies, including all your bad-ass panic attacks and hysteria. So we take Him in, one at a time, step by step, time after time, glory by glory. But growing old is not exactly synonymous with familiarity.  If you are indeed growing in God, you will never become familiar.  Because Jesus can never be placed and can never fit in a box and He is a God full of surprises, though He never changes. How can you ever be familiar? Familiarity settles only when worship becomes religious.

So I came to a conclusion, which God ushered in with Max's big help during this summer respite. What is there to fear indeed? Growing old and weary? Not knowing what's going to happen next? Failure? Change? Calamities? Death? Not even.  For death, I learned, is a picture of the groom taking the hand of the bride, walking her along the aisle that leads before the Father.  It's a celebration not to be feared, but to be, well, celebrated.  Especially when you know why on earth you were here for. And now, I heave a big sigh of relief...and excitement.

So fear less. Then fearless be. ;)

True.

"What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything." -Pedro Arrupe SJ

Ikaw, para kanino ka nga ba bumabangon?

♪ 'Coz this life is a beautiful one ♫

I am so looking forward to summer but apparently, my sem ends on the 29th. What a stretch! But THIS LIFE IS A BEAUTIFUL ONE :) I'm taking this short time off to chill for a bit before getting back to work, work, work! All the downs I've experienced in the past months made me learn (in a hard way, but I learned) and appreciate the value of unwavering focus, hard work, hard criticism and GRACE (thanks to my BIG GUY up there). 

I run out. This tempest is cruel and getting more spiteful by the minute.  What started as ripples surround like tidal waves, engulfing everything along its way.  I run out. 

Suddenly, my defenses turned on me.  My sails are now frayed from the howling winds.  My canons are rusted and useless. The perfectly tranquil ocean, my old friend -- the traitor.  Where have all my men gone? Where is the crew to bring down the anchor? Nay, they’re all gone. Waters rush in unwelcome.  They flood inside as I empty my vessel with just a bucket and my own two hands. But oh heart, it’s weary.  The darkness blinds me.  The downpour hides the surge of tears.  And the lighthouse is far from near.

My ship is plummeting down the spiral.  Like in a drain I see myself submerge. And as my everything runs out, I go deaf and defenseless to the trouncing and thrashing.  And as I close my eyes to accept this doom, a hand rests upon my shoulder.

Security.

Ever so gently amidst the storm, he carries my almost lifeless body.

Oh the sturdy arms that wrap around me! 

I can hear his heartbeat, calm and steady with a consistent thump that does not skip a beat.

I can feel his warmth surrounding even when all is wet and cold.

I can feel his grip secure yet tender, impervious to the raging sea.

I feel far above the ground, how tall must he be?

Yet as I try to get a glimpse of his face, my eyes, they hurt in His glory

He walked and stopped before the hand wheel, there I realize my identity

I hear His voice, the placid tone, whispering ever so quietly

That I am the crewman and He, my captain  

Is greater than the waves of the sea.

Though my sails are tattered and the fabric’s torn

Like the cry of mortality

I am the crewman and He, my captain

Hath not departed me.

To C

She was 18.

And a bit of a surprise.

I was addressing them for the first time, fired up and fresh from Sunday.  I can hear myself as the words flow faithfully as if from memory. But her gaze was different from the rest.  I caught it flew in interim, outward towards space. She was back fast enough.  But her eyes were overcast, eclipsed by a well made-up face. 

So the breakthrough came. They spoke, one after another, recounting stories, unloading weight upon weight as if I was some bare container.  Never mind that I had to take it all in; I treasured the moment. They did not fail to surprise. 

She was the last to speak. She hesitated at first, but after minutes of prodding from the others, she acceded. Then the tears came.  And that’s when I felt my heart stretch as if on reflex, with a compulsion that demanded urgency.   She knew how to hide herself pretty well.  Her demeanor spoke differently but her heart could not be contained.

The following week, I got to talk to her alone.  Her smile was different this time, hopeful and expectant.  I offered a billion times to accompany her to that place she did not yet belong to.  How my heart leaped when she wanted to name him (or could it have been a her?) after me.  Unbelievable, this girl.  Unbelievable. Enthusiasm filled her afternoon and mine. 

But it dissipated as quickly as vapor.  Like life.

She couldn’t be blamed, could she?  It was too late.  Much as we wanted the lad to owe up to the blame, to heck with attribution – as if it mattered now.  It might have been too late, but for C it was new life. They come at the most unexpected time and bring redemption if you grab them.

The young lad was as confused as she was. He had hormones that raged most haphazardly, and then the guts – and the gall – to lead innocence to slaughter.  This is what the world does – make boys out of emerging men and premature mums out of missies.

What adds insult to injury is not this reality but the normalcy that keeps it company.

I look at C. There’s one too many.

Up Close and Personal

I stumbled upon Alyssa Quilala’s blog last month when her husband Chris posted the link somewhere in Facebook.  In her first post, she mentioned something which caught my attention:  “I think that blogs should be vulnerable and honest.” Congratulations, instant epiphany for me right there - which led me to this post.

I never had a positive take on vulnerability, until lately.  In fact, it still scares me but appeals nevertheless.  Vulnerability is as good as inviting judgment or the tendency thereof. It’s exposure that may elicit either admiration or the ire of people you care and not care about.  The world is no non-judging breakfast club after all.  When you open yourself up, you let them see the beautiful and the ugly, the sanity and the madness.  And there’s always relativity, so you don’t expect the same feedback from everyone else.  But why choose to be vulnerable and honest?

Not all judgment is sound – brutal fact. But not all of them are necessary – thank heavens!  My personal space right here, though virtual, is an invitation to whoever takes a peek in my life – even when it’s not always spick and span – to share it with me.

So here’s the real score. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and lately I’ve been feeling exactly that.  A tug of war has been playing inside me and I’ve been trying to draw the line, trying to find my safe spot, tugging my security blanket closer.  But at the same time, I realize that it’s making me more fearful and causing me more distraction than I can afford.  It generates paranoia and peters out faith.  It doesn’t help in any way.

Then God reminded me of something.  If there are moments when I actually revel in my vulnerability, it’s those alone times with Him.  Those times when I can unload every burden, present my heart in whatever state it may be in, and just feel stripped of every piece of me, yet feel peace and calm and acceptance, are the most priceless ever.  With Him, I desire to be most intimate to a point of losing myself and finding it again.  Again and again and again, I feel like I would never tire of being pierced through, of being infiltrated.  It’s purification in its highest form, shamelessness in its most humbling.

I can be most vulnerable before my Creator because I share a special relationship with Him.  With people, He told me it’s almost the same.  You have to allow yourself to be seen, to be shared if you want others to come in, if you want others to also shake off the reluctance around you, and ironically, if you want others to be less judgmental of you. But this is not always the case in every context.  At some point and situation, it’s also wise to withhold some part of yourself before you decide to take the plunge.  You just have to rely on something, someone greater to cover you when your defenses are down, and to protect you when your heart needs the shield.

So what’s real? That hey, I’m not always okay, but I always know that I will be. That there are times I flounder and fall.  That I’m not always as strong as I appear to be – it’s just that in my weakest, the strongest in God takes over in me.  That I have my share of woes and sorrows but that I believe His mercies are fresh every morning.  That I make a lot of mistakes, but He disciplines ingenuously. That I struggle, but I overcome.  That I can only be as good as the grace who died for me.  That when I am in my most vulnerable, God works best in covering me.  That I can be vulnerable to the pains of this life and not lose to it because when God was at His most vulnerable in the Cross of Calvary, He won over death to bring back my identity.

What can I say? It’s good to finally be unloading here, for this almost hypothetical world to serve its purpose. Who would’ve thought it’d come to this. :)

Back Track: February 2011

Because I feel a sense of ownership of February, I'm posting the highlights of my birth month. The past month felt loooooong for a supposedly short month.  Lots of surprises, ministerial prayers fulfilled supernaturally (couldn't think of a more fitting adverb), character stretching and molding, dreams coming to pass, sporadic episodes of heartaches, perky moods, uncalled for moodswings, and whatnots. 'Nuff of the words for now, I'll let the images do most of the talking.

Bannoffee Pie and carrot cake for my birthday. Friends from church dropped by the dormitory just about half an hour before my day officially ended and brought me carrot cake, which surprisingly (since I'm not a fan of carrots) was really good. And I mean really. My beloved seatmate gave me this yummy yummy yummy pie (not the original pie on the photo though 'coz I wasn't able to take a picture). I think I could live on Bannoffee for a week and not feel sick. This is the ultimate upper, I tell you.

 I am in the process of resuscitating my acads back to life.  It was futile for Oblicon last month (I have this month of March for a miracle) but it was not all in vain for Legal Theory at least. My highlights are proof of that, though I couldn't ever finish Sir H's readings! They're always just so long, but very resonant of PolSci.

 So the Dest Dlock Ever decided to pull a monito-monita Valentine's edition exchange gift. I super like what my monito gave me: the fourth book I got as a gift since December. This one goes to my To-read-list for the summer :)

 And because our block just wanted to make ourselves feel good on the day of hearts, we agreed to exert extra effort to look "good". I salute the guys who wore "Barong" to our Legal Profession class. :)) Crazy bunch of people, but I love 'em. We sure know how to spell our own F-U-N. ;)

 So my rowmates Ja and Wiggy had this insane (haha!) idea of binding themselves to a contract of finishing all of their Oblicon backlog before the end of the month.  If they were successful, I think they were gonna treat each other out or go on a spa date or something of the sort. Anyway, they decided to make me third party :) And of course, I wasn't really liable for any of the damages between them. In short, it was a win-win for me. If they were successful, I'd be thrilled for them. If they weren't, they were willing to play genie for me HAHA And I didn't think they were serious! But they were, to my surprise. Two bannoffee pies in one month. Aaah, love.

 One of the brightest highlights of last month is Destiny's Encounter Weekend! The team labeled it the best so far. I couldn't agree more. It was also my first time to preach in the Encounter! It was SUCH an amazing experience. I thank God for the opportunity to be used by Him. :) Oh happy day! Their lot was a happy one. Infectious, in fact. Congratulations ladies! See you in the Post Encounter!

 Now this last one's rather unexpected. My third Romance and Rhythm in Destiny was a pleasant surprise because in the first place, I didn't think there'd be one this year. My date gave me these bunch of pretties. I would've been content with the Stargazers ('coz they were my choicest variety), but they were surrounded with Gerbera Daisies, Mums, Carnations and another kind of lily. Eye-candy creation, eh? :)

So it's a wrap, then! February '11 is nothing short of an adventure, as what I pray the rest of my year would be. I'm definitely looking forward to the coming months. 'Til next time! Ciao for now! :)

Peaceful Productive Waiting

“I don’t think waiting for someone is silly.  When you’ve found your once in a lifetime, any time is worth the wait.” – Author Unknown

One thing I am thankful for every month of hearts is my effortless appreciation and somehow innate excitement for Valentine’s.  A number of people I know dread it, some couch it as single awareness day, and yet some look forward to it because well, they have “other halves” to celebrate it with.  But I’ve never felt that unsettling feeling of bitterness or resentment and I don’t know why but am very much thankful anyway that I’m spared from that fuss. I don’t even have to choose it; it comes naturally like the cheerful feel of Christmas. And I don’t mean to brag.  The past years, I’ve celebrated the day of hearts with friends mostly, dining out and laughing our hearts out – sometimes sharing secrets and dreams of our “perfect” love stories.  The season gave us a legitimate excuse to stir up the hopeless romantic in us.  The past Februaries, I surprisingly always get random roses – mostly from frat men who probably made it a tradition to give out roses to random girls in the campus during the 14th.  Well for some weird twist of providence, I’m always one of those random and I don’t mind really – even when there’s nothing really romantic in it.  I find them trivial but cute acts of spontaneity.  I’ve never resented the season.  Back at home, my dad would always exert an effort to celebrate with his three girls.  He would take mom out on a date, bring her chocolates or a bouquet of flowers.  I would never forget the time when he gave my mother a bunch of charming peach-colored roses and a heart-shaped “box” of Mon Cheri which my brother, sister and I devoured in no time. It was so refreshing, like he never tired of wooing mom. I also remember one V-day when he gave my sister a necklace and…erm, yours truly a pair of earrings, I think (sorry Pa, I forget).   Trust my father to know the tricks of the trade. I’m glad my folks aren’t the type who see their marriage as depreciating to just a formal contract through time.  I’m glad they’re such sweet, puke-worthy couple even when they’re already forty-something.  I guess this is partly why I always appreciated the occasion apart from the romance.   It’s not only always about the mush. It’s positive reception of love and even of friendship.  

But what’s with the blog title? And the subsequent quote? Contrary to popular opinion, waiting ain't a drag if tagged by fruitfulness.Waiting won't seem like waiting if you're occupied and not obsessing about the idea every single day. And by the way, just because I don’t feel a bit of sullenness doesn’t mean I don’t look forward to that day when the flowers I get won’t be from some random frat man anymore (nothing against those guys though).  I may not be your typical girl in a lot of ways, but I am still normally susceptible to kilig. I may not be frequently talking about this kind of love, but today you get to see why.  Because I would like to believe that I am peacefully and productively waiting.  For the first and last, yes. Gag all you want but I’m cheesy that way.

I don’t have impossible standards, just standards fit for only one. I’m not picky, just careful.  I’m not about to become a spinster (hello mother… rest assured. Haha), just peaceful and productive in my waiting. I’m not unhurried, just trusting.  I’m not traditional, just rarefied. I’m not impossible and trying to intimidate, just discovering the brave of heart.  I’m not serious about this, just dead-serious lang naman ('coz this ain't some trial and error). And I’m not a hopeless case of idealism, just a firm believer of destiny.

So you must get it by now! I get to say this not because I have the convenience of being in a relationship, but because there’s enough love to leave no room for bitterness.  I’m not some unsympathetic girl who just does not understand other girls’ plight. Hey, I’ve been single for the past 23 years of my life. Just so you know. Don’t tell me I don’t get some of you. ;)

HAPPY HEART’s EVERYONE!

For the Monday that was

(photo lifted from T.Prettyman's blog)

Accretion

There's something about 23. And being 23. Most of my friends agreed with me when I told them this.  I don't know exactly why, but there is something about the age. Like I just own it.  There's some newness to it, a sense of making things happen. Or maybe, it's just me. ;)

So I just turned a year older TODAY. I'm not shying away from my age as people would probably think my natural reaction would be. I'm growing! And I'm THRILLED.  I can shout it to the whole world! God gave me 23 years so far! And it has been crazy beautiful. I'm definitely looking forward to the years ahead, especially to this year when revival starts rollin'! ;)

And speaking of new, I've been wanting a new cut. But I'm torn. 'Coz I can't do high maintenance now. Oh well, but we shall see ;) Photo below was taken, like, 4 years ago. I miss shorter! But I can't stand fly-aways. HAHA So hanggang picture reminiscin' na lang muna ako

And lastly lately. I couldn't stop wondering how Jesus celebrated His birthday. Ever since the thought crossed my mind, I just wanted to know. I want to celebrate it the way He did! Aaah, but with His presence,  love, and grace I think I get a glimpse of how He does birthdays...somehow ;)

Thank You Lord for EVERYTHING. And I mean it mean it. :)

This year will be all about...

So I haven’t really moved on from the jumpstart phase of this year yet.  And I’m not about to leave that phase on a low altitude just because every freaking school day makes me rethink why I’m in where I’m in.  Just so you know, I just had one of the most blah exams ever. Plus the weather wasn’t cooperating so I had to at least work with it by ditching the Ikot ride and walk my way to the dorm instead.  It gave me time to try to take it all in, the sudden surge of sentiments that’s probably cooped up in the dustbin until circumstances spill ‘em with disrespect.

But even when circumstances hit all-time low, my heart still goes fluttery flutter.  This year, as my leader put it, will be all about love – conquering by it and being conquered by it. You’re probably too smart to guess already that the L word is not confined to the mush, but to everything under the sun that can receive it.

I want this blog to come alive.  That means staying clear from negativity.  I will try to write more as I love more. I will endeavor to write it and live it.  It’s great how blogging can be so cathartic, but let’s try to be more open to life this time.  I’ll try to write my personal reality and by writing it, hope to share it to the world – even when chances of people actually reading my posts are imaginably marginal.

This year I’ll try to be more transparent and by that I mean sharing what I feel, not filtering it to make it sound safe and unintentionally ho-hum.  Away with the fear of being read and consequently being caught off guard.  But I need to loosen up not just to my close knit circle, but probably to the rest of the world out there.  And find some awe-ing pricelessness in each one.

This year I will write experiences, not just opinions. I will not cower in fear of you seeing through.  I guess that’s the point.  That we see pass the trivialities of each other and actually feel the depth, the soul, the core.  That to appreciate, one must at least understand. That to understand, one must at the very least, see.

This year I will make things happen and not just write them down on a piece of paper.  I didn’t make any resolutions except one: to smile more often.  I’m totally banking on you to nudge me when I fail to do so.  Sometimes you need others to play alarm clock. <3

So Anyways.  I started this day pretty messily.  It got worse after the midterms. I was thinking over and over while walking home, There’s no use crying over what’s not meant for you.  But it didn’t feel like it was totally not for me. I’m not about to end this day in dejection.  Because it IS possible that even after going through crap, you’d still find yourself left with love – and lots of it.



P.S.
Credits to my kaduper sister for the pic edits. She’s awesomesauce beyond compare.

"Fullybooked"

...is what I want to be for the year.

I really want to buy these on my own, but since it seems most unlikely at present, a little shameless plugging won't hurt.

If you want to bless me on my birthday but have no idea how, you could never go wrong with kind words.  But if you have the budget, you could
never go wrong with these books:

*Crazy Love by Francis Chan
*Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
*Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick
*Outlive Your Life by Max Lucado
*Power Thoughts by Joyce Meyer
*Live to Make a Difference by Max Lucado
*So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore
*Forgotten God by Francis Chan, David Cook
*The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (haha this may not seem appropriately
timely, but I'm just forward-looking you know)
*Surviving in an Angry World by Charles Stanley
*The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel
*Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
*Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer
*Living in Love by James Robison and Betty Robison
*Cure for the Common Life by Max Lucado
*Facing your Giants by Max Lucado
*Twelve Ordinary Men by John MacArthur
*Lord, teach me how to pray by John MacArthur
*Terrorism, Jihad, and the Bible by John MacArthur
*Hard to Believe by John MacArthur
*Wide Awake by Erwin McManus
*Uprising by Erwin McManus

G12 books except Win, Dream and You will Win the World, Successful Leadership, iLove

Secular:

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia-Marquez
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Wuthering Heights (I forget the author!)
Great Expectatioons by Charles Dickens
Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (but an e-copy of this would do)
Super Freakonomics by Steven Levitt
Accidental Billionaires by Ben Mezrich

Law-related:

Shadow of Doubt by Maritess Vitug
Rules of Court (the latest version)
a handy copy of the 1987 Philippine Constitution ('coz I just printed mine and stapled the pages so it's now tattered)

or any book you could recommend...because I trust your taste! ;p

But if you prefer to bless me bigtime because you're so amazing I love you, just see previous blog post. Thank you. And a happy 2011 to all!